Monday, February 26, 2007

10 Ways to Score Points with Your Boss

Following years of in-depth field research, I thought that I would share the following pointers as to how you can work to develop your career and ensure that you get noticed by the powers that be in your company. These pointers are by no means foolproof but, with a little imagination, you’ll be surprised at how quickly you can reinvent yourself with the absolute minimum of effort.

Though these pointers are very much tongue in cheek, I think we could all think of a colleague who we could probably relate a number of these points to - I certainly know I can….

1. Have a Passion for Your Job.

Try telling the boss that you could do a better job than them on account of the fact that you cannot help but have noticed that they seem to achieve very little in their role. Explain how you feel that perhaps this is not a role best suited to them and that how, in your modest opinion, you feel that they are letting the company down. Just so they know that you are being genuine, discuss possible alternative roles with them outside of your present organisation that have significantly less responsibility. You could even give them a list of job sites they might like to visit.

2. Take Ownership.

I the unlikely event that you mess-up, assume full responsibility for hiding any relating evidence and, for bonus points, use the situation to show initiative. For example, instead of hiding the evidence in your filing cabinet why not slip it into your manager’s cabinet whilst he’s at lunch?

3. Be Customer Driven.

Be honest with your customers, tell them that they can get a cheaper deal/better service elsewhere and, if possible, provide them with the relevant contact numbers and/or web address. To gain additional points, try disassociating yourself from your company completely and apologise for the fact that they have no doubt had to sit on the telephone in a queue for four days listening to the same piece of music for a product/service that ultimately you wouldn’t touch with a bargepole.

4. Deliver More Than You Promise.

Always promise significantly less than you know you can deliver. That way you can still impress without overly exerting yourself.

5. Develop a Healthy Belief in the Impossible.

Try to convince yourself that you will eventually be offered the dream job you have set your sights on and that you are only treading water in your present role.

6. Polish Your Writing Skills.

Pick on one of your colleagues at random and then write them an email assassinating their character whilst employing as many adjectives as possible.

7. Ask Questions.

Ask your boss whether he actually intends to do any work today or whether he only delegates everything for an easy life and to cover the fact that he probably couldn’t even do your job anyway.

8. Be On Time.

Make it clear to your employer from the outset that you have always been at least half an hour late in every role you have ever taken and then turn up at twenty-five minutes past nine having pre-crumpled your shirt in the stairwell and grossly misaligning your tie. For the full effect slap yourself about the face a few times so you genuinely look like you have completed a marathon and then sit at your desk lambasting the state of public transport.

9. Develop Your People Skills.

Pick a member of the opposite sex from your team at random and then spend at least six months making their life a complete misery. Then, at the next office party, set your sights on getting off with them whilst explaining to them that you consider yourself to be wholly misunderstood by everyone you come across. Even if they let you get to first-base you’ll be able to pat yourself on the back knowing that at least one person in the office no longer thinks you’re a complete dork.

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